Where oh where has my purpose gone?

Goth girl is TIRED! I just started a new job this week and although I’ve only been at training for about 3 days now it feels more like 3 months. I am really intimidated and anxious about all of this. I’ve never really made a foray into the business world before and now suddenly I am totally immersed in it. I’m surrounded by women who seem to love high heels and the whole “polished professional” and “super chic” look.

On top of feeling out of my element I also have to drive on a major highway which is something I absolutely HATE! I don’t like people speeding past me because I am going the speed limit (sorry buddy but 65 MPH is fast enough thanks). I hate merging, I hate traffic in the morning (why does everyone have to be at work so early?), and I hate how my hands ache by the time I get to my job because I have gripped the steering wheel so hard. I drive 25 miles to work, and 25 miles home all for a job I feel like I have no love for, is nowhere near my field, and is in the very field I truly can’t stand. I appreciate business people. I really do. I think they are wonderful at what they do and are called to do it. But it’s not me. I’m not a cutthroat, go getter, make the sales kind of person. I sell Avon and I think I make like $40 a month if I’m lucky LOL.

So why the heck am I doing this job? Aside from being able to pay my bills, why did God allow me to get this job? Is there a reason my presence is needed at this job at this time? Can I learn to love the job and be good at it? Can I be a positive influence in a business world setting? I don’t know. I don’t know if I will be any good at this. I can be empathetic, I can be understanding to people who are stressed because their accounts are messed up or they made an honest mistake that caused them to get a fee. I can do this. But is it worth 50 miles of driving every day and upwards of $80 a week in gas? Is it worth forcing myself through all of this because I need to pay down my debt? Can you learn to be happy in your misery?

I feel so completely lost right now. I feel like I’m sinking in a pit of depression and like I’m wasting my life. I don’t even know if I want to go back to school at this point. I’m considering canceling the check I wrote to my graduate school and saving myself $200. Maybe all I’m good for is to do jobs I hate because they are easier then what I want to really do. I have all these dreams and visions of helping people locally and globally, but I suck at being a leader. I suck at organization, and who wants to follow a girl who’s as screwed up as me?

But my heart doesn’t let me quit. My heart says “go buy that guy coffee” “go donate that food” “give money and prayers to missions” in short, my heart tells me to not give up doing the good I’m doing because some small part of me feels that it DOES have an impact. I just want to reach people. I want to help them. I want to help ease the hurts and pains they’ve experienced. I want to tell them about God but I’m so scared of being rejected. I’m scared I’ll come across as stupid or naive or that people will label me as intolerant just because I call myself a Christian.

I feel really alone right now. And that scares the hell out of me. Because as much as I reach out, I don’t feel like I can trust anyone to be there for me. And yet I need them to be there for me. I can’t only talk to my husband about all these things. I need to reach out. I need to trust people. But trusting is scary. Trusting is risky. Because trusting means letting people in. Yes they can love you and help you and be all the things you want and need them to be. But when you let someone in, they can hurt you. They can tear your heart to pieces, bruise your soul, and leave your mind screwed up forever.

I feel so damaged. Like I’m totally not good enough for anyone or anything. I feel broken beyond repair.I keep screwing up, the same things, over and over and over!

And yet there is still this light, this hope, this peace that comes occasionally inside of me. There is joy at the silliest moments like driving down the highway singing songs from K-LOVE radio at the top of my lungs. Or coming home and seeing my favorite plant out back blooming finally.

What is my purpose? Where do I belong? Do I even have a purpose? Questions laying heavy on my heart tonight.